Financial Services

Financial Services Division

What can we do for you? We're glad you asked. The Church, of course, provides a method by which you may make charitable contributions at any time.
Most people of privilege find that this assists them in salving their consciences about being materialist,
consumerist members of a de-sensitised first world society still living off the backs of helplessly
financially entangled and strangled third world societies. In a stressful modern world, this is not a
function to be taken lightly. Significant donors (100,000 plus) will have the added benefit of the
Church's free and confidential advice on how to maximise tax "avoidance" and how to utilise such donations in
the interests of minimising such inconveniences as audit trails.

Looking for Tax havens?

In addition to the donations facility, the Church is happy to act as a fundholder for major investors. The
Church has a range of offshore accounts available to serious savers. Need money "laundering"? In
common with other great churches, the CofEQ is happy to handle funds which you yourself know are
above board but which various governments or agencies may wish to be a nuisance about.

Discretion?

It is common knowledge that the Church is the very soul of discretion, and has ways of
urging discretion upon others.

Church Shareholdings

The simplest way of taking advantage of Church financial expertise is to purchase non-voting shares.
Many independent sources in the "City of London" (particularly Greedier Associates) will assure
investors of the long term stability and profitability of CofEQ shares.

Individual Financial Services

What about the CofEQ Credit Card? You will never be short of funds or prestige with this valuable
appendage. What's more, donations to the Church are greatly facilitated. Pensions and insurance
schemes are available, with Last Testament service thrown in at no extra cost.

Franchises

Recently, the FSD has introduced franchises to the Church. Many parts of the world have yet to be
graced with a CofEQ functionary. If you are looking for a sound business opportunity as well as spiritual
well-being, why not ask about CofEQ "Distance Learning" and "Authorised Franchise Schemes". Initial
investments start at 100 for Lay Preacher status, ranging to a full Bishopric for from 100,000 (depending
upon region and exclusive catchment area). Prices include distance learning packages which can lead to
full theological Degrees issued by the Convenience University of Panama. For more information, do not
hesitate to contact us, in the first instance, via email.