Problems problems problems....

Modern living can be terribly problematic.  In response to massive public demand, the Church of the Eternal Question (CofEQ) is pleased to provide a "problems page" for Parishioners.  The Very Reverend Deacon Martin - a highly respected (and syndicated) problems page counsellor with columns in a number of globally recognised periodicals - has agreed to respond to your cries for help and is available to deal with your most intimate enquiries.  

Confidentiality is, of course, guaranteed, but some of the more excruciatingly fascinating problems - together with the Deacon's response - will be posted on this site in order to allow all Parishioners to share the insights on offer.

Some early examples are included below.

 

   

Got a problem? Contact the Deacon at problems@ecrp.co.uk,

 

 

 Public guidance.

 

Confidential advice. 

 

 Problem Page

   

Dear Deacon
How hot is hell?
Professor Charles

Dear Professor
Our researchers found this.....
"The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C."
-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972

I hope this helps.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
I am finding it difficult to make time for Church on Sundays.  What should I do?
V Dibley

Dear V
Try going on a Monday.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
I think I am losing my faith.  Is there a god?
R Hammerstein

Dear R
Probably not, but don't worry. Faith is not all it's cracked up to be.  Go ahead and lose it.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
My boyfriend keeps looking at other women. Does he love me?
R Cash

Dear R
Of course he does. We can't help it.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
I drink recreationally. Am I an alcoholic?
D Spooner

Dear D
I'm afraid so.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
I am afraid of death. Should I be?
M Torium

Dear M
No no no.  Look upon it as more of an opportunity
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
What should I do about "Red" Ken?
T Blair (Honourable)

Dear T
Leave him alone you little tit.  He's doing a far better job than your privately schooled lily white butt ever could.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
my fiance (sic) has just informed me that see (sic) has been impregnated by an angel, as we have never slept together my problem is how do I become an angel?
Confused of Wallasey 

Dear C
First we have to establish the gender of your fiancee.  If male, at least pregnancy is unlikely.  Secondly, you need to determine whether it was against his/her will or whether s/he willingly submitted.  If the former, see if you can engage the angel in battle.  If the latter, see if you can join in.  Either way, your imminent angelhood is reasonably assured.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
my partner says s/he has been a donkey in a former life.  what will s/he be next?
yours,  sam   

Dear S
First we need to establish the current species of you partner.  Assuming your partner is human and is telling the truth, the logical progression from donkey to human would be to tree or possibly wheat.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
my partner was a cow in a former life.  does that meen (sic) i have been sleeping with one.
A Gothgang

Dear A
You do not  indicate whether or not you live on a dairy farm.  If you do (and you still have a herd), check to see if you are waking up in the barn.  If so, there is every possibility that you may indeed be sleeping with a cow.  This is not in itself necessarily a bad thing, but it is probably advisable to to have a shower before entering the house.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
To whoever created your excellent web page:
Most of the site appears in Netscape in a font about 3 pixels high (which I have a lot of difficulty reading, being old and decrepit), but whatever you did for the Funeral ceremony (not the welcoming and marrying ceremonies) makes it come out in a reasonable size font that I can read with ease. You might like to to apply this bit of knowledge to the Common Understanding and make the rest of the web site readable to the aged and infirm.
Regards, Laurie

Dear L
Many thanks for your helpful comments.  We will look into this, not least because current consumer demographics show the more elderly Parishioners as having considerable surplus spending power.  So, big respeck...
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
I have been reading about the "Crystal Skulls".  Are they Mayan or extra-terrestrial?
R Daltry

Dear R
I suspect the latter. But I don't think they were carved.  More a case of being electronically shaped.
Yours,  VRDM

Dear Deacon
I am unsure as to how to react to the World Trade Centre disaster.  I know it is an awful tragedy, but surely people are dying the world over in equally tragic circumstances.  Is our indifference just because we aren't witnessing it in agonising detail over many days on prime time television? Is it because we can't identify with third world peasantry as they die in their thousands; because we can identify more readily with people in suits and carrying briefcases and mobile phones?  I don't know how to act.  I don't know how to grieve.  When should I get back to normal?
Nicky Hilton

Dear N
An often quoted example of the heroics of returning to "normal" is the heroic New York Stock Exchange and its associated "traders".  Before the dust had even properly settled, they were heroically trading away from hotel suites and other towers.  And let there be no mistake, whilst the bulk of them were unpatriotically panic selling everything that looked in the least jittery (thereby of course escalating the jitteriness and the downward trend in the market as a whole), many of them were heroically, even in those early days, buying "defence" industry stocks as these began to shoot up in value on the promise of all out war.  Clearly, even in times of first world tragedy, there's always room for speculation. 
In terms of how to grieve, I would suggest disinvesting in every way possible from the more distasteful multi-national companies.  Look to see which of them is starving and disinheriting more of the world's citizens and disinvest or get your bank or your pension fund or your insurer or your government to disinvest.  Above all, don't buy their products.  Crashing aeroplanes into towers may not be the way to redress destructive and unjust global economic imbalances, but neither is pretending the imbalances don't exist
Yours,  VRDM